


The Prayers He Didn't Say

by aubreytruthfully



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-01
Updated: 2012-09-01
Packaged: 2017-11-13 08:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/501572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aubreytruthfully/pseuds/aubreytruthfully
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam praying to Castiel throughout his life</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Prayers He Didn't Say

Sam wasn’t sure how it started exactly. He had always prayed, always. It had been one of the few things that kept him hanging on through everything. With all the moving around that his dad made Dean and him do, it was something that he could keep constant. After all, changing high schools like that made it hard to keep anything constant. Not that he prayed like most people. Sam was pretty sure that his vision of God probably wasn’t quite like everyone else’s.

It was a night like any other, but when he had fallen asleep in the motel their dad drug them to for this case, he heard something. Sam’s lanky body jerked up from his pillow, his eyes frantically searching the room for something. Then it happened, a voice, just a whisper. There was a name and it felt like the name had crawled inside of Sam. He could feel it in his blood, pumping through his heart. He couldn’t tell you why he heard the name Castiel in the middle of the night and he couldn’t tell you why he started praying to this Castiel, but he did.

“Castiel,” Sam murmured, bent down on his knees at the foot of the bed, “I need to talk,” That was how he always started his prayers, “I want us to find a town. It doesn’t matter if Dad stays with us; I just want Dean to be happy. I want us to have something outside of the monsters and nightmares.”

His eyes opened and he peeked over to the door, just making sure that Dean hadn’t gotten back yet. There was no way he would pray in front of Dean, that frequently ended in them fighting. Although, he thought he had a few minutes to pray. It typically took Dean far too long to bring the pizza back; girls were what Sam suspected the problem to be.

“And,” Sam continued, clearing his throat, “make sure that Dad stays safe tonight while he’s hunting. I know I complain a lot, but—but he’s still my dad. Just don’t let us get hurt. Keep us safe…please?” The end sounding almost coated in the swallowing of tears. “Amen.”

So what if Sam continued to pray to Castiel all through high school? So what if college started and he didn’t stop praying to Castiel? Sam decided that if he never talked about it to anyone, then it didn’t matter. Sam could pray to whomever he wanted as long as he never mentioned it.

But he did mention it. To one person. On accident.

“Castiel,” Sam lay on his back, looking at the ceiling of his dorm room, “I need to talk. I need you to help me pass my exam tomorrow. It’s not that I don’t think I can do it, I just, I’d really like it if I could count on your help. Are you still watching out for Dean?” Sam’s voice quivered at the name, but he would never take his brother out of his prayers. “I know that I left,” or freed himself, “but just make sure that Dean doesn’t do anything too stupid.”

Sam paused. His mind was searching for anything else that he needed to ask for, but Sam was happy. He was enjoying college, he was enjoying his new friends, and he was enjoying Jess. Above all things, he was enjoying Jess.

“And,” Sam smiled, “thank you for Jess. She’s just—she’s perfect Castiel. Jess is everything that I never thought I could have. Jess is—just don’t let me lose her. Don’t let me fuck it up with her. Anyone but her okay? Thanks for listening Castiel,” Sam exhaled.

“Who’s Castiel?” Jess’ soft voice came from the doorway.

“What?” Sam sat up, his cheeks reddening.

“Well,” Jess walked in, “whoever he is, I’m glad he brought us together too.”

Jess crawled onto his bed with him. That was one of the things that Sam loved most about Jess. She didn’t care about their differences; she only seemed caught up by the things they loved about each other.

But things change, don’t they? Sam knew things would change and he was right. Dean threw him back into the mix. Jess died. Dad died. He and Dean died time and time again. Suddenly, praying felt useless. It didn’t help that he finally met Castiel. It didn’t help that Castiel existed and maybe Sam hadn’t been so crazy. It didn’t help that angels turned out to be dicks. It didn’t help that Castiel turned out not to be dick. It didn’t help that Castiel was beautiful. It didn’t help that Sam found himself so drawn to Cas that it physically hurt sometimes. But, once again, things change don’t they?

Late one night, curled up in a motel room bed, Sam let his mind wander. He felt himself slipping in and out of sleep, not quite sleeping, but not quite awake. That was when the thoughts started coming in. Sam could hear his own voice in his head. He could hear what his lips weren’t saying.

“Castiel,” his thoughts said, “We need to talk. I want you to make sure that Jess knows I loved her. I want you to keep Dean safe. Safe from everything and never let him get hurt. I want you to watch over Lisa and Ben, because that’s what Dean would want. Could you also make sure that the Impala works tomorrow? Because Dean got pissed today when she struggled to start. Make sure that you watch out for Cas too…” his thoughts paused, “I guess, just watch out for yourself.”

A hand pulled him awake and his eyes were met with Cas’. Sam jumped back in the bed, but Cas just shushed him. With a single touch, Cas put them in the Impala, just sitting in the backseat.

Sam started remembering what he had done. Why had he prayed? He hadn’t prayed in a few years now. Honestly, Sam had given up on prayer. It seemed to him that his prayers would go unanswered, especially since he was bound to end up in Hell anyways. Of all the people, why did he have to pray to Cas? Shouldn’t he be past that foolish state of mind?

“Sam Winchester,” Castiel set his hand on top of Sam’s, “I need to tell you something.”

“I was hoping that you hadn’t just shown up and took me to the car for no reason,” Sam found his eyes dropping to the angel’s mouth, and then forcing them back up.

“You were praying,” Cas stated, “I had tried to wait until you were finished.”

“You heard that?” Sam backed away in the seat.

“Of course,” Cas nodded and looked at Sam as if he were an idiot, “I’ve heard every prayer that you sent me.”

“Every prayer?” Sam tilted his head, “But why?”

“My father assigned me to you,” Cas answered, “he told me to watch out for you. He told me that you prayed every night and that your prayers deserved better attention than he could give.”

“So you’ve been listening all these years?” Sam’s jaw dropped a little, “You heard everything. Cas, I—I didn’t think that you ever heard me.”

“I heard everything Sam,” the angel leaned forward, “Your prayers did deserve better attention, but it wasn’t just that.” Cas smiled, “You listened to me too.”

“How’s that?” Sam felt blown away, he was dreaming. He had to be.

“I think my father knew that I was lonely,” Cas admitted, “I think he thought you would be good for me. He knew that you would be loyal. He knew that you would talk to me everyday. He knew that you would love me even when I felt unworthy.” Cas looked up at Sam, “But he knew that I would do the same for you.”

“I thought you were Dean’s angel.” Sam was still struggling to understand.

“I was yours first,” Cas’ eyes were holding onto Sam’s.

“Cas I—I don’t know what to say,” Sam ran a hand nervously through his hair, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I was worried that you would stop,” Cas looked down, “although, you did that anyway. Maybe I was ashamed,” Cas’ face flushed ever so slightly, “I had taken advantage of our bond. I had taken your prayers from you.”

“What? You didn’t take anything from me,” Sam assured.

“No, Sam, I took them from you. I read your mind like a book,” Castiel confessed, “You still had so many prayers, so many wishes, and I couldn’t leave them alone. I couldn’t let you get too overwhelmed with them. You needed to let them out, but you wouldn’t do it after you met me.”

Maybe it was because Sam thought he was dreaming, or maybe it was because he knew Cas must’ve already seen this prayer of his. Either way, his lips were pressed against Cas’ and Cas wasn’t objecting. In fact, Castiel leaned in and let Sam kiss him. He let Sam kiss his lips, his cheeks, his jaw, his neck, that one spot beneath his ear, and all the way back up to his forehead.

“Sam,” Cas nuzzled his face against Sam’s, “this was the prayer I wanted for you the most. It was selfish of me,” his lips kissed at Sam’s skin, “but this was the one I wanted you to say out loud.”

“Castiel,” Sam started, “I need to talk. I want you to kiss me. I want you to make sure that you never leave me. I’m praying that you’ll never give up on me. I’m praying that we can be this close forever. Please,” Sam pleaded softly, “I’m praying.”

Cas looked into the hazel forest of Sam’s eyes and kissed him.


End file.
